It’s embarrassing how consistently surprised by the vast amounts of time that run between each update. This blog I pay a hosting plan and domain registration fee for is not treated anywhere near a priority as my old free Livejournal account used to be in my teenage years. Not for lack of interest, but rather that resource of time that’s stretched thin by the obligations and demands of day-to-day life. With matters related to work and school being of a higher priority than building out and maintaining a modern blog, it’s been nice to write directly in an offline journal when needed and not have to concern myself with editing for potential review by anyone other than myself. At least when there’s anything to write about, given how much of life over the past year has consisted of sheltering at home and focusing on getting the work done backstage than worrying about what’s being presented onstage here.
Over the last three months, my life’s been entering a period of disruption and change. After wasting the month of February being overwhelmed by the demands of my last job, the situation finally became so untenable that I tendered a resignation last month, officially ending my time there as of the 15th of March. I had a first week of paralyzing anxiety, the existential dreck I evaded in February on my 35th birthday coming in late and aggravated by being unemployed for the first time in years: the outcomes today of my past circumstances and choices; the pressure on the next years of my life to be productive and experientially fruitful, since old age and death aren’t as far off as they once used to and are beginning to form specks on the chronological horizon; The need to take all my knowledge & skills and actually begin producing something tangibly impressive instead of continuing to languish. Though the anxiety eased up during the second week as I began doing initial research and resume updates, that sense of looming energy persists nonetheless. The first week of April, I gave myself the gift of Spring Break, a full seven days free of having to worry about anything related to either work or school. Since then, that’s pretty much been all I’ve been focused on.
Yet, even though I’m going through the necessary motions, there’s a certain disconnect I’m having where life feels more like a waking daydream than a vibrant first-hand experience thats keeping me from operating at optimal efficiency. In times past, it would have been the precursor to a depressive spiral cycle, but over the years I’ve gotten very proficient at reigning in my thinking when it starts trying to go in unhelpful directions and not getting lost inside of it. In my efforts to unpack it so far, the leading hypothesis is that this is a lingering consequence of those abandonment issues of my formative years, compounded by the socially isolated conditions of most of my childhood.
Not being around people and having to rely my own interests and devices to keep myself entertained became the norm starting in the 4th grade. After so many years of that and commuting to school from a sparsely populated crude housing development off in the hills of Tijuana, it became natural to my adolescent self to prefer being alone and exploring my interests than having to accommodate or engage with someone I didn’t have much in common with. Topped off with the traumas of the events that led to my family separation as a teenager, detaching completely and abstaining from life is a behavior pattern I can clearly reflected over the experiences and lost relationships over the past three and half decades. Underpinning all this are those age-related existential pressures. In the face of the question as to the reason to do all “this” for, I can’t claim any of the answers a typical person would. Parents to care for, spouse to grow with, children provide for…not even a pet. My only reason to do things is for me, a hard place to draw motivation from considering that’s someone I only stoped hating a handful of years ago.
Hence this casual disengagement, where I’m on auto-pilot in relation to school and seeking employment but most preoccupied with having to audit my relationship with myself in this waking dream. I assumed things were good since it hasn’t been harmful and antagonizing as it used to be, but “not bad” doesn’t inherently equate to “good”. And unfortunately, self-awareness doesn’t correlate to automatic exemption to one’s own human nature, just a guardrail to run along.
Now is a critical time to capitalize on, having so much more time available and mental bandwidth to find & seize potential opportunities. It all begins with getting out of my way and behind myself.