Over the past couple of months, I’ve (once again) been largely offline and inactive with with my public-facing profiles. Save for a couple of weeks in October spent getting over and bouncing back from a flu, I’ve been spending my time and effort assessing the current state of my life and mapping out ideas and plans for how to get things moving along vocationally. Yet, each time I’ve set mind to beginning to execute on those plans, I’ve been distracted by the overwhelming nagging feeling to get an update pushed on this blog. Even though it’s not integral to the task at hand nor something I’ve been actively engaged with, this space dedicated to my self as an individual is my most personally “important” project. And because it’s so intrinsically tied to me, it’s not that far off by way of a reflection of my current state in life: past buried & archived, spread thin in many directions, and inconsistently engaged due to a lack of certainty in what it is I should be doing to get myself where I want to be.
At my last update, I had received my shipment of printed business cards that I had designed myself, wary of the fidelity of the final product to the artwork file I had submitted. The cards looked good, but I realized I’d made a very basic design mistake when implementing the QR code that made it undetectable. The vendor has a print satisfaction guarantee, but the corrected replacement order I received had a working QR code, but had been poorly printed and cut, leaving me once again with a set of unusable business cards. With all the back-and-forth with the vendor and the resulting shipping times, it wasn’t until early mid-October that those were good to go.
When I started this blog so many years ago, it was intended to initially be a therapeutic tool to help work through the personal issues I had at the time and a public facing record of my “true” self, the authentic unfiltered personality that can’t be accurately conveyed with social media posts, and eventually evolving into a all-in-one site for both my personal and professional endeavors. But it didn’t develop as planned, and in an effort to get my freelancing career going without needing to first review and reconcile all of my existing content with a more professionally-oriented tone, I gave up on the notion of keeping everything under the umbrella of my personal internet moniker and designed my business cards stylizing my real name. I’ve also registered a domain to match, and have been spending my time away from this site working on getting my new landing page setup. Maybe one day down the line I’ll be able to consolidate and merge my professional persona and content into this site, but for now, a delineation between the two seems to be the best way forward.
My penultimate post briefly touched on pressure and anxieties I’ve been having in regard to my professional development, and I’ve still been wrestling with those more than I’d care to have to admit. Both myself and the circumstances in my life have improved considerably in the past two years. Back in November of 2016, I was a barely-functional mess, lost in figuring how the person I was trying to rebuild myself to be fit into a modern world spiraling out of control and seemingly hellbent on the self-destructive and irreverent attitudes I was attempting to move past on a personal level. These days, I am reconnected with a firm sense of self and confidence, and though the majority of my legacy mental/emotional baggage is squared away and no longer affects me, I do have this resulting fretfulness over how delayed I am in certain aspects of my life as a result of having spent so much time working through those issues without the support or guidance of anyone other than myself.
However, I also know that fearfulness and rumination won’t accomplish much by way of catching up to my idealized self on the runway that is my lifetime, and the situation as it stands now isn’t a matter of getting started, but amping up that which I’ve already been doing. Unwilling to complacently settle with things as they have been going, it’s time to really start chasing dynamic changes in my life.