It’s been a while since I’ve pushed an update, all because I’ve been much too busy tending to the demands of life: a 10-unit first semester of an MBA program, the obligations of dog ownership, dire personal finances and ongoing unemployment in the face of a hostile job market/economy, household chores & upkeep, and volunteer role duties. And that list isn’t anywhere near comprehensive—there have been a few other events this year that could be accurately summarized as “big losses”that I can’t yet fully go into detail.
As a result, I’ve been in a state of perpetual strain, doing my best to present stoic calm, dignity, and perseverance all while internally drowning in a state of stress, anxiety, fear, and self-doubt. Oh, and resentment. Resentment over the unending difficulties that come my way that are well above the norms of what other people have to deal with, and the lack of progress compared to those who deal with so much less. Resentment that where I am in life is mostly due to circumstances that were outside of my control in my youth. Resentment that I cannot provide for my dog in the way I would like to, giving him a life full of adventure and attention. Resentment that this world has gone downhill the way it has, and that my freshly conferred bachelor’s degree and the master’s degree I’m currently pursuing don’t carry the cachet they once used to; here I am going into huge predatory federal debt and spending all this time proving capability and competency in an AI world where those things by and large don’t feel like they matter anymore.
Psychologically, mentally, emotionally, financially…I feel bankrupt across the board. Overwhelmed by pressures and demands that my reality makes so hard to meet, and the despair over this world around us all that proves things only find a way to keep getting worse: AI, climate change, wars, the resurgence of racism and fascism, and so on.
Historically, it’s been my “superpower” to remain resilient and steadfast in the face of adversity, as evidenced through a written assignment for an Organizational Behavior course that required soliciting feedback from acquaintances as to what my externally perceived strengths are.
But after 25+ years of sustaining that forced attitude, for the first time in my adult life, I feel utterly exposed and at risk of losing that ability.
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