It’s a time of great upset in my personal life, so many challenges hitting me at once. There’s the stress of the post-undergraduate job seeking in such a hostile and scarce job market, and the anxiety over affording the MBA program I was accepted to in the face of all the changes to federal student loan programs by the current administration and existing personal credit debt. And a few days ago, notice of my dad being hospitalized has brought my old life crashing back into my reality, forcing me to confront a lot of realities over mortality and familial relationships.
All of these different factors are underpinned to my life story by the common thread of my biggest secret that I’ve never shared with anyone: the overwhelming sense of shame that I’ve accumulated over the years.
From childhood, I was highly intellectual. A Gifted and Talented Educatation (GATE) student through grade school, my middle school placement tests didn’t contain a numeral equivalent grade-level for reading ability like my peers received, mine read “PHS”—Post High School, or more simply, college level. Despite all the promise I possessed and the dreams for myself I built around them, it was all derailed by the traumatic circumstances that caused me to leave my mother’s house in the 10th grade.
Through my early adulthood, I struggled to cope with the chaotic reality I was delivered, and the deep resulting emotional damage. During that time that I focused on healing my psyche and reorienting my sense of self, time passed on without any meaningful career advancement. Year after year, constantly working under the direction of those less intellectually capable and/or professionally qualified than I yet still paid more. All the while, everyone else around me with despite their own challenges and circumstances kept reaching new milestones and finding success, even with the steady stream of economic downturns that have occurred throughout the millennial generation’s lifetime.
The older I got, that internal private lamentation started affecting my social life as well. It only became more and more embarassing to become known to other people, and have nothing impressive by way of financial success or vocational achievements—a loser.
It was always my fantasy that I would self-actualize and finally become “somebody”. It was only in my early 30s that I finally started reconnecting with my sense of worth and self-confidence, and started taking action on correcting course. I returned to college as a working adult to put some degrees on my name and open the doors to greater employment prospects. Once I finally got myself accredited and working to the tune of a nice salary, I could finally be in the position to make my “return” to a world of friends, acquaintances, and family. Instead, they’ve made their way to me ahead of schedule.
Mulling all of this over repeatedly over the recent days while feeling an inability to handle any of it, I’ve been reminded of the epsiode of Avatar: The Last Airbender that contained a fairly accurate depiction of the 7 major chakras in Hinduism. The Solar Plexus/Fire Chakra is the one that governs willpower and strength, blocked by shame and self-disappointment. Everything I’ve done and accomplished so far, I’ve done so being metaphysically & psychologically inhibited.
But at this modestly big age of mine, I finally have the courage to confess to my secret shame, and in doing so allow myself to start letting go of it.