Life right now feels like it’s in limbo. My quotidian existence for the last 3 years and counting has largely been flattened into three simple aspects: the college student, the dog owner, and the basic self responsible for the lower levels of the Maslow hierarchy of needs who since last year has also been required to take on self-representation in the court of law. That last one has (and still continues to) cost me so much time, effort, and mental-emotional overhead. While I recognize the objective validity of these challenges in my life, they nonetheless feel like a privileged problem set compared to the other horrific realities being faced by people in today’s America and across the globe. People are being aducted illegally on U.S. soil by the government, others are being starved and killed in pointless unnecessary wars abroad, and here I am fretting over finances and the weariness of being “me”.
Right now, I’m little over 1/3 of the way done through my short scheduled student tenure at SDSU. At 16 units the inaugural Spring 2025 semester and 10 over this present summer session, I’m on track to meet my goal of graduation at the conclusion of Spring 2026. Even though that’s still little under a calendar year away, I’m already stressing about what comes after, whether it’s having to find an employment opportunity that puts my hard-earned degree to use or stressing over how to afford the cost of a Master’s degree program. Given that I’m currently on track for a Magna Cum Laude honors designation having a GPA that’s fractionally above 3.7, it’s looking likely I could finish with the highest Summa Cum Laude honors.
As to my dog—my raison d’être, the main motivation in my life to keep pushing forward—I often struggle with the guilt that instead of being able to give him a maximalist life full of adventure, he’s instead apartment bound with me while I tend to these academic and/or profressional obligations. It helps that I’m fortune to have a network of local dog owners that are always happy to lend a hand and dogsit, in addition to my roommate, but it still weighs on me nonetheless.
And on that third aspect concerning legal matters, that headache endures. Hard to believe that it’ll almost be a year since it all started in a few days on the 17th. Given that I’m so preoccupied with academics and the other more urgent demands in life (read: bills) and still in the process of moving through the appeal process, exercising First Amendment rights on this whole saga is going to have to wait.
This trio of personas dominate my life. They leave very little time, energy, or monetary resources for anything else, even something as simple as communicating or spending time with friends. So many blog posts, private journal entries, personal essays, all kicked down the road like the metaphorical can and ultimately left unwritten. It’s a reality/feeling that doesn’t inspire confidence when weighed against the pressing need to do more: finish building out this blog visually and consistently update it, establishing and developing an online presence and voice, become a more efficient interpersonal networker, make a significant and meaningful positive impact on my home city. All in the effort to satisfy a self-imposed existential redemption for past shames that were outside of the control of my younger self.
Despite feeling like I’ve been doing as best as I can and at the expense of so many other aspects of myself, I’m fully aware that the immediate future is going to demand even more of me. In this moment, I can’t imagine how I could possibly manage to fit more into my daily routines. But at the same time, knowing I have a set of self-directed standards to meet, there’s no other option than to find a way; a huevo, as my people say.